Changed

Grief has a way of sneaking up from behind you when you least expect it.  The days after a loss can pass but there are moments that come back to you fresh just like it was the first moment you found out the devastating news.  Pictures flash through your mind of events that happened in the past, words that were spoken, messages that were sent or unsent.  Every day brings a fresh realization to the present reality.

"She's gone."

Those were the only words that could come out of my mouth, when Fernando happened to find me in tears, dressing Liv after her bath one Sunday morning a little over a week ago.  After a year long battle with cancer, my sweet friend Wren went to be with Jesus.

I had found out the news by my mom just a little earlier. She'd come in the bathroom during the girls' bath to tell me she'd read it on FB from a friend we both share.  Although we all knew Wren's time here on Earth was closing, the reality of that seemed almost too much.  The tears came soon after, as I processed what this meant.  She couldn't possibly be gone? Pictures flooded my mind of the healthy, vibrant Wren I knew and my thoughts were overtaken by her family...the ones she loved and had to leave behind.

When you have friend who's sick, as in the case with Wren, it becomes a part of your being.  I almost can't describe it.  There hasn't been a day that's gone by in the past year that I haven't thought about her.  I used to sometimes wake up thinking about her or would have a  moment just pass at random when she'd enter my mind. Those same things happen now, only the thought is followed by moments of sadness and a prayer for her family for comfort and strength.

There's been a lot I've learned over the past year through Wren. I've been forever changed and I don't think I'll ever see life the same way.  Her faith through her sickness taught me how to persevere through difficult circumstances...whether they be struggles within my own family with big challenges we've faced or even with less important things, like my journey to better health. I can remember a time last year I was whining on Facebook about how I was going to be starting all over with my weight loss journey, and I had really hoped I could just finally stick with it and not fail, again. I remember Wren leaving a comment saying something like...."You can do it.  You have your health and that's so great."  I will never forget her words and in the moments where I want to lose myself and forget all the progress I've made, I remember her saying how I could do it because I had my health.  She was so right.

My thoughts have been in lots of places the past few weeks and with Wren's passing, I've struggled to put those thoughts in to words.  I have no real conclusion to this post, only thank you's for praying with me and being a part of my friend's journey.  When I shared Wren with you, many of you friends came through and sent cards and gifts and I just want to tell you thank you again for doing that.  I know you blessed her and I hope she blessed you too.  Last week I was going back over a message she'd sent me telling me how she'd received several cards and special gifts from my friends.  I cried reading her words over again and felt blessed that we got to be a special part of her life.

I also wanted to share this video that was played at Wren's memorial on Saturday. Even in the face of the most difficult experience a person could face, Wren was still sharing Jesus and wanted all of us to come to know him too. What a beautiful testimony of faith.

Hard

Gosh, where do I start?  This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  The last time I blogged I talked about my most recent weight loss efforts and the results from my counting calories and exercising like a crazy woman routine.  And then the next day I totally lost all steam and energy. 

Over the past couple of months, it seems like the week before "that time of the month," my body starts acting all crazy.  I'm talking totally drained, I can barely keep my eyes open during the day no matter how much sleep I've gotten the night before, plain out exhaustion.  And then there's the mental fog and the dip in my hormones causing me to feel like I barely have the strength to go through the motions of life without just falling apart.  On the outside I look just fine...on the inside I'm a mess. All I want to do is sleep and I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me.  I start to feel like all hope is lost.  I get drastic--thinking the world is against me--and I cry a lot.  And all I can do is just wait the whole thing out until it passes.  Which can be days or an entire week. I hate it.

Well, add all of this to the fact that I'm in the beginning of my journey back to school and barely starting to get a school routine down.  I'm still trying to find my way through lots of reading, homework and studying, which is more challenging than I thought it would be.  Especially during the times when my body decides to go haywire. I start push the panic button and  wonder what the heck I'm doing in school because nothing is making sense to me.  I wonder why things are so hard for me to understand and why I just can't get it together.  The devil seems to be working overtime lately to crush me down to nothing and tell me that I'm too old for all of this.

Hope peeked through a little though and yesterday was the first day in the past week that I actually felt closer to "normal" again.  Only it's been hard to feel normal when it hasn't been normal days around here.  I went to school with a heavy heart yesterday, after on Wednesday, getting the news that my sweet friend Wren, the one I first shared last year who received the news that she had cancer while she was expecting a baby girl....is getting ready to be with Jesus soon.  She's been fighting this battle for over a year now and despite treatments, the cancer has spread in ways that cannot be contained (unless the Lord decides to intervene) and they've opted to discontinue treatment. Yesterday, Wren was released from the hospital and was taken home where she'll receive hospice care during the next part of the journey.

My heart's breaking and my thoughts have been with Wren.  She was my MOPS leader and the first person that welcomed me into our group with kindness and love when I was a lonely momma, in need of friends.

I'm realizing how my issues, although they feel important and valid when I'm experiencing them, aren't comparable to the things that Wren is going through.  I think about her and waves of grief take over.  I don't and will never probably see all the why's of life but I do know that for some purpose, this is part of God's plan.  I'm just gonna lean on Him, the only one who can give us peace and comfort.  I know His glory will be seen in this. Somehow. Some way. And that lives have been touched by the beautiful woman I call friend.

Wren, I love you and my heart is with you, sweet friend.

A MOPS kinda Monday

I know I said my next post would be about my trip coming home from TX, but today was a MOPS day for me so I thought I'd switch gears a little. :)

I always look forward to MOPS days so much because it's a chance for me to get to hang out with friends and get a little break from the busyness of motherhood.

This morning I left the house feeling super anxious due to some things we've been experiencing with Audrey lately.  Among a bunch of other things, she's been having some issues with me leaving her with non-family members lately and yesterday was a challenge for us when it came time to dropping her off at her class at church. I was so thankful this morning, having my girlfriends there just to talk things out.  Nothing big was solved and I was still left with some concerns and questions, but I'm feeling a lot more hopeful now.  I'm just gonna keep on praying for wisdom and also that I can be the mom that Audrey (and my other girls) need me to be.  This age has been so challenging for all of us!

While at MOPS today, I was so excited to get to meet a new addition to our little MOPS family.  My friend Melissa, who had her baby last month was able to come back today with her new little guy.  I got to hold him and was just amazed at how tiny he is.  It feels like my life with babies was so far away from where I am now considering my "baby" is now almost 19 months old!

On any given MOPS day, we either have a craft or a guest speaker and today was a craft day.  We made these fun pumpkin lanterns.

This is mine after I added another layer of mod podge to the outside.

If you're interested in seeing the how to's on making these yourself, you can go HERE.  Our lovely craft gal Kirstin always comes up with fun projects for us to work on and at our last meeting, someone even told her how crafty she is. Her reply to that totally made me giggle because she said, "No, not really. I just read blogs."  Lol, that may be true but Kirstin totally works so hard at putting together all of our fun projects!

Today I also got to bring a breakfast casserole and decided to use my friend Wren's recipe for this easy sausage casserole. Here's the only pic I have of what it looked like from the leftovers from this morning. I got to have some for lunch with a little salad and it was good!

As I was preparing the casserole last night, my thoughts went to Wren. I don't know if you've read it on her support page already, but they found out that the cancer has spread to her lungs and they changed her status from stage 3 to 4.  I find myself lost in thought about her a lot these days and each time she comes to mind, I say another prayer.  She starts a new round of chemo treatments this week and today was Day 1 for that.  Please continue to keep her in your prayers and remember that you can still read updates on her church's site HERE.

Thanks so much again to everyone for praying!

P.S.  I also wanted to share another prayer request.  Our cousin just delivered her second baby, a little girl last week and has been having some complications. I can't really go into all the details but the latest is that they've discovered a murmur in her heart and are talking about the possibility of heart surgery if the murmur doesn't close up with the help of medication.  Please keep little Brooklyn in your prayers as we are believing for a complete healing to her body in the name of Jesus!

This Journey

I've had a million and one things going through my head and my heart this week.

I started the week off broken after learning about my friend Wren's cancer spreading. I shared it with you here and asked you to pray.  I'm so thankful for those who've read what I've shared about my sweet friend and who've joined her support group and have been praying.   

This week, I have cried and prayed, over and over, and asking the Lord to work a miracle and heal Wren's body.  Truly...we hear about cancer affecting other people all the time, but when it hits home so personally, it takes on a new meaning. 

I'm standing in faith for that miracle and wait anxiously for good news.  

On Wednesday I attended my 2nd session at bible study. 

We're using Beth Moore's study on David and even after only two weeks, I'm already starting to feel something stir inside of me. I've never been a part of a bible study group up until now and at almost 32  years old, the timing couldn't be any better.  

I'm finally starting to catch a glimpse of  something new...hearing God's word and making it personal for myself.  I'm becoming encouraged and I feel like it's the icing on the cake in the personal development department, with at the things I've been working on to improve myself from the outside in.

And speaking of self improvement...I officially made it to the 20 lb marker this week in my weight loss adventure.  Go me!  I am so happy and I continue to be amazed when I look into the mirror and see a new person emerging. The girl I used to know about 10 years ago, before babies and the stress of life.  

I'm starting to see my life come together in this journey towards a better me.  This year has been full of so many struggles and things that I'm still continuing to walk through that challenge my faith and pierce me to the core.  I'm learning to rely so much on the Lord instead of taking it all on my own and for once, I can finally say that I'm giving it all to the Lord.  My circumstances no longer have a stronghold over me and I'm seeing just how faithful the Lord is to provide and take care of my every need.  

I'm not big on sharing bullet points on what I learn in church since I'm not really good at that but I thought I'd at least share two things that really struck me as powerful and totally apply to both Wren and personal stuff I'm walking through right now.

"Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God."  This is such a powerful truth!  It's normal to see things with our human eyes and become defeated by the circumstance instead of remembering just how big God is.

"We must remember we don't stand in victory because of our faith.  We stand in victory because of our God."  

This is a powerful truth  and something I needed a reminder of!

I'm so excited about continuing on my walk with the Lord and about all the things I'm learning along the way!

I've got so much I want to share this coming week and hope I can fit in more time to blog.  I only have four more days until I get on a plane that's Texas bound, on an adventure to meet my very closest friend.  I cannot wait! :)

Big prayers needed!

I was on my way to my book club meeting this morning when a song came on KLOVE that sounded vaguely familiar.  I listened even closer to the words to try to figure out just how I knew the song.

It was this one.  Have you heard it before?



As I listened to the lyrics, it came to me that I'd heard this song just once before.  My friend Wren posted it on her support page on Facebook and shared it was a song that really spoke to her since she's been on her journey with rectal cancer.

I continued to listen to the words and my heart was so overwhelmed.  I thought about Wren and just began to pray for her. Little did I know, today would be a day that big prayers for Wren would need to be said.

If you've read my posts about Wren here and here, you'll remember me sharing about her being diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer just a couple of months back when she was just 25 weeks pregnant.  The Lord answered prayers in a big way when Wren was able to continue her pregnancy while receiving mild treatment for the cancer.  Then, about three weeks ago, the doctors finally determined that the treatments weren't working aggressively enough and they decided to have Wren deliver her baby, Grace.

In the last couple of weeks since Grace was born, it's been so special getting to see little Grace in pictures on Facebook as she continues to be cared for in the NICU.  A little earlier today, this sweet pic of Wren and Grace was posted...

 

The most recent focus now that Wren isn't pregnant anymore has been to work on getting her better.  The plan was to start chemo and radiation to shrink the tumor and then do surgery later on down the road.  This week was supposed to be the week for aggressive treaments to start, including chemo and radiation but after today and new test results, plans have changed.

A PET scan was done last Friday, and today they found that the cancer has spread through different parts of her body, including her lungs.  The doctors have decided that they will not be starting the treatments tomorrow as originally planned and are waiting to decide what to do from here.

Upon learning this news this afternoon, I felt like my heart was ripping to pieces.  I still can't believe that this is happening and all I could do was cry out to the Lord.  Wren is such a beautiful mother and friend and I it breaks my heart to know that she has to go through all of this.

Tonight, I just want to ask to anyone that may be reading this to say a prayer for Wren and her family.  I don't have any fancy words to say but I just know that God hears everything we say and there's power in intercession.

Would you please pray for this sweet momma?

Your love and support means more than you know!  I am continuing to believe that the Lord can work a miracle and I'm standing on his Word and his promises!

P.S.  You can go HERE for the latest update with today's news in detail and HERE to join the support group for Wren on Facebook.

A sweet baby girl

I'm so excited to share that my friend Wren had her baby girl yesterday morning at 12:15 a.m!

I originally shared on Friday that the plan was to induce her that night but that ended up changing when they found that baby girl was breech.  They decided to put off the induction until 8:00 Saturday morning in the hopes that baby would turn.

Prayers went out on Wren's support page on Facebook that night and it was amazing to see God's mighty hand move!  On Saturday morning, I woke up and immediately checked FB for an update and was so excited  to see that baby girl had turned and induction had begun!

For me it was a day of waiting and praying and FB stalking, lol. :)  I was up late that night baking some cupcakes for my MOPS bake sale and right before going to bed, I checked FB one more time for an update. I didn't see a new one so I said another prayer and went to bed.

First thing Sunday morning, I immediately went to my phone and read the news:  Baby Grace Elizabeth had been born!  She was 3 lbs, 10 oz long and measured 17" long!

Grace is a special name to me since all three of my girls' middle names are Grace. It's just something we thought would be special for all three to pass along together since we never had any boys to carry on the name.

My heart has been so full since hearing the good news.  I wish I could share pictures of this sweet little girl because she is just adorable! Maybe sometime soon the church's website will update with pics of this sweet little family!

Thank so much friends for praying and lifting up Wren and Baby Grace to the Father.  Please continue to keep Wren in your prayers as she works on recovering from delivery so they can proceed with the next part of this journey.

P.S.  If you'd like to join Wren's Support Group on Facebook you can go here.  Thanks so much! :)

Prayers for a friend

Blogger has been SO slow these days, so for all I know, this post may not even really publish until tomorrow morning (Friday).  If that's the case, it will be perfect timing.

I shared my friend Wren's story several weeks ago and so many of you were amazing and sent cards her way.  I just want to say thank you if you hadn't already heard back from me and I just want you to know that the cards have been a blessing to Wren.  I spoke with Wren via email a couple weeks ago and she mentioned to me about receiving the cards and also how the Lord's been providing in so many ways!

I want to share the latest with you all and ask you for your continued prayers, especially today.

Let me back up by saying that more recently, Wren has been undergoing chemo treatments with the goal to shrink the tumor and continue to allow time for Baby girl to grow in her Momma's belly. Well, this week, Wren met with her surgeon to talk about the progress being made and decide on a game plan for the coming weeks.  In Wren's husband Brian's words, this is how the meeting went.  (I took this from her church's website. It was also on her support page on FB).

Dear Family and Friends,

I don't think I have ever been so nervous about a doctors appointment as I was today. Today was the culmination of some very hard choices that we had to make; balancing Wren's and our daughters long term health. While ultimately time will reveal if we made the right choices, we have a peace about our decisions. Here are the results, while the cancer has not shrunk significantly, the Dr.'s feel that it did buy us an extra 5 weeks for our daughter to develop. With out daughter being 32 weeks this Saturday, they feel that the pendulum of risk has shifted and that it is time to allow her to come and join us so they can begin to be more aggressive treating Wren. We received a steroid shot (to help develop baby's lungs) this evening, and will go back early tomorrow for a second round of shots and ob appointments. The goal is to begin inducing labor on Friday. If Wren is able to deliver naturally it will allow us to start radiation and chemo in a matter of days instead of weeks.

Thats the physical story, here is the rest of the story. This has been one of the hardest seasons of our life. We have felt pain and experienced fears that have rocked both of us to our souls. At the same time we have been touched by how this church and the body of Christ, has emotional, physically and financially helped us through this season. One of the things that wren and i have both noticed is that pain cuts across all boundaries, whether it is the pain of loss, sickness or whatever it is all the same language. I am so much more equipped to pastor others thru these pains now.

Here is how you can specifically pray for us, that the cancer would not spread, that our daughter would be born healthy and not have longterm effects from the chemo or early delivery, that the induction will work so we do not have to have a C section, and Wren would bounce back fast so she can start the next round of treatments. And finally that we would lean on God and each other and not let the stress/fear overwhelm us.

Thank you for continually supporting us through prayer and love. Love, Brian (and Wren)

I was nearly in tears after reading this note and have been thinking about and praying for Wren so much.  If you're reading this today, would you also say a prayer for Wren? For a safe delivery and protecting covering over Wren and her little girl?

Thank you so much for you love and prayers and I'll be sure to update when I hear more. Thank you so much for your prayers!

UPDATED to add:  I found out today (Friday) that Wren will be induced today at 10:00 p.m. her time. (She lives in TX).  Just wanted to mention that so that I could share a specific time frame to be praying! 

P.S.  I didn't want to steal any recent pics of Wren without asking, so instead I want to share this AMAZING slideshow of her and her sweet family.  A photographer friend of hers took some beautiful  pictures of the family a few weeks ago.  You MUST check it out. HERE's the link.

Addicted

Well, there's a pretty good reason why I've all but ditched this blog and it has a lot to do with my recent addiction with reading.  More specifically, the Twilight Saga.

I've also been working on some personal improvement stuff this last past month and have been on a new weight loss journey, I guess you could call it.  It's been almost a month since I gave up soda/coffee/sweets, basically all the junk food I loved so much (for the millionth time) and I'm down 14 lbs!  I'm excited about it and I'm looking ahead towards my bigger goal.  I'm trying to set realistic goals for the weight loss and working on making it more of a lifestyle than just a passing phase.  I told a friend today that I'm tired of being "the big girl" and I really meant it.  I have to succeed!

In the process of going all crazy about losing weight, I finally started exercising regularly.  Where I once saw exercising as something similar to the devil himself, I now look forward to opportunities to work out.  It makes such a big difference in the way I feel about myself and my overall attitude about life.  I did get a little carried away though about a week ago and managed to mess up my knee for several days.  During that time, I tried to lay low and took the opportunity to eat even healthier (salads with not dressing, that kinda stuff) and also get to my reading!

On Monday, I finished book #3 and started immediately on book #4.  I read like a crazy person and for the last few three days, that book has gone everywhere with me.  I even took it with me on the way to pick up my big girl at the bus stop and read it as I pushed the stroller along. Talk about glued to my book, right?

Well, today I finally finished the book.  And it was GOOD! The Twilight Saga really took me out of my comfort zone when it came to reading about vampires and things that aren't necessarily "Christian" like I'd normally be interested in.  Nevertheless, the stories were written so well and the love story that's woven through the books was my most favorite thing of all. :)

I already have the next couple of books on my list ready to be read. My friend Elesa found our next book club book on sale for us at TJ Maxx the other day and brought it over...

I also have this book my step-mom gave me at Christmas time that I HAVE to finish reading.  She said so many great things about it and from the beginning of the book, I already knew it would be something I needed to read.

How many of us struggle with the confidence dept?  Yep, you're not alone!

Well, I have loads to blog about and I mean loads.  I've been lagging on posting some giveaways due to my reading addiction, but I'm gonna fix that soon. I also have a super important post regarding the status of my friend Wren and her baby girl I need to share ASAP so please make sure to read my next post and join in praying for Wren and family tomorrow.  Thanks!

Trying to figure things out

Well, if you've hopped over to this blog at different times over the last few weeks, you'll see that I've been fiddling with my blog design.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out how to make things look the way I'd like around here now that it's not our family journal any more. I was able to play around a little bit more today and settled on what you see now.  I'm definitely not a blog designer, so we'll see what else I can do to spruce things up around here without having to hire somebody! :)

To add to all the changes, I've really been feeling like the blog is going through an identity crisis of sorts.  I know since moving, my goal was really to take the focus off of personal stuff while still continuing to share things that were important to me.  At the end of the day, what I really want this blog to be is just a space where I can share whatever I feel like sharing. Whether it be projects I'm working on, a recipe, or a book I'm reading, I want this to be a place where I get do that.  I also want it to be a place I can share the needs of friends, just like I did the other day about my friend Wren, and know I will have people that care about what I share and are willing to help or pray when I share that need.

That being said, I just want to thank the people that stepped up to say that they'd be willing to help.  I know that this isn't a huge blog, but I do know that there are people that come here from all over.  I've been blessed by this community of friends that I can't see yet know are always there!  So...thank you so much again for saying yes to helping pray for Wren and her sweet family.

Also...for those of you who are still interested in sending anything to Wren, please email me or leave a comment and I'll be sure to get back to you with her contact info.  I also wanted to share with all of you a place where you can go to for updates on Wren and baby girl. Earlier in the week, her church set up an updates page on their website where anyone can go to read about the latest news on Wren's health.  You can go HERE to see that.  The latest updates were just posted yesterday and will give us all more specific ways on how to pray.

Well, I think that's it for now and again, I  just want to say thanks so much for sticking around through all the changes. You guys are awesome! :)

A HUGE prayer request (I need your help!)

I have a HUGE prayer request to share with you all today.  I know many of you friends are praying people and I just want to share with you something that's heavy on my heart today and ask you for you help.

Over the past year I've shared about my MOPS group and how much of a blessing it's been to me.  Well, this morning, I learned that my MOPS leader Wren, (who recently moved back to TX) found out she has Stage 3 rectal cancer.  Wren is 25 weeks pregnant with her third baby, a little girl, and had been having a lot of pain recently that caused her to voice her concerns to the doctor. Upon visiting the dr, they learned that there was a mass growing in her colon.  This week the mass was biopsied and they learned it was cancer.

Just to put a face to the name...Wren is the one at the bottom left wearing blue

Here's the email that I received from Wren this morning....

Hi Friends,

I have rectal cancer. It is for sure stage 3 because it is in lymph nodes and they will do an MRI soon to determine if it is anywhere else which would make it stage 4. I am also 25 weeks pregnant right now. We are using Scott and White healthcare system in Temple because they have all the different specialists that the baby and I will need in one Hospital working together as a team. We have seen all the heads of the departments so we are certain that we are being taken care of. This will not be an easy battle for any of us. I will have to deliver the baby first by C- section and she will be taken care of in the neo- natal unit. I will start Radiation as soon as possible after delivery followed by chemo when they think I can handle it after the c section surgery. Once they are able to shrink the tumor as much as they can they will preform surgery to remove all the cancer. This is a complicated surgery because of where my tumor is and how large it is and how far into my muscle tissue it goes.


The doctors are all working together to try to figure out if this is the best course of therapy for me since this is so rare and complicated. They are hoping I can safely wait a few more weeks to deliver the baby so she can develop more. Cancer is much more aggressive because of all of my pregnancy hormones. We are waiting until they come up with a plan and we will all discuss it and decide if it is best for us. It looks like baby girl will come no later than when I am 28 weeks pregnant. We need your prayers to get us thru this. God is good and is in control of everything. We are taking things day by day and trusting God for each day on it's own. The boys are doing good and have a rough road ahead of them as well. Braden turns 3 tomorrow and Eli turns 1 next month we are trying to keep things as normal as possible for them right now as there will be a new normal once everything starts. I am still in pain and have very little energy. Brian and I have good moments where we can laugh and be silly and very dark moments where all we can do is cry.


Thank you for loving and supporting us!


Love, Wren and Family


As you can imagine, this is devastating news.  Please, please, keep Wren, baby girl and the doctors in your prayers. They need them so much right now.

Finally....I wanted to ask you all for one more favor.  My friend Caroline inspired this idea this morning, actually.

The idea popped into my head that it would be so special if we could get as many people as possible to send a card to Wren.  It doesn't have to be fancy or anything. Just something to say you are thinking and praying for her. You could even include a Bible verse or something you find inspirational that would offer encouragement.  If you even felt led, you could take it another step further and bless them in another other way God might put on your heart.  The way I see it, you don't have to see someone in person to make a BIG difference in their life.  I think all of us who blog understand that best. :)

So...What do you think?  Would you be willing to join in?

If you are willing to send Wren a card, simply leave me a comment here on this post and be sure your email is included on your profile so I can get in touch with you. I will then email you with her contact info so you know where to send the card.  Thank YOU so much for opening up your hearts and thank you so much again for praying.  God is BIG and there is nothing He can't do!  Prayer is powerful!

P.S. Feel free to share this with  friends or anyone else you might know who is willing to participate and please let me know if you have any questions. Thanks so, so much!