I've been sitting here going back and forth about even posting this today. I love having the blog for theraputic reasons, so I guess I should just let out my feelings and maybe I'll get to feeling better. Please forgive me if I sound ridiculous or selfish...
The last couple of days, I've been lost in my thoughts. I feel like I'm slipping into a funk and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that the girls (now including my Livvie girl) haven't been feeling too good and I haven't been able to get out much...I'm not really sure.
One of the things that's been on my mind is that I wish I had more in real life friends. I am so thankful for my blog friends but the sad fact is that I'll probably never get to meet most of you in real life. I love being a SAHM and I am very grateful for the opportunity but it just gets lonely at times. My closest friends before I had my girls were my work friends but it's been five years since I stopped working, and I don't really talk to any of the people I considered friends anymore.
Last night I had a dream that I saw an old co-worker friend of mine. She was someone I was fairly close with before I lost touch with her after quitting my job after having Alyssa. Looking back at how we lost contact, I realize it was totally me. This friend wanted to have a baby so bad but could not conceive due to an issue unrelated to her. I felt so bad that she couldn't get pregnant and I remember clearly the day I told her I was pregnant with Alyssa. I'm not sure why I dreamt of this friend after not seeing her in forever but the thoughts of feeling bad for just kinda not talking to her anymore still stay with me. I was such a different person then and I totally see now how running away from the friendship was such a horrible thing to do. It's been years now and I feel so bad just realizing what a lousy friend I was. I would love to fix how I feel I left things hanging, but the thought of doing that is so akward to me.
Another thing I've been thinking about a ton is my hat business. I have been laboring over it for weeks now and thought I'd come to a decision about what I'd be doing with it all after I had Alivia. See, the thing of it is, I love having the business and doing something for me, but after seeing what life is going to be like with three small kids, I am realizing I just won't have time for it anymore. And you know what...part of me is sad and just can't let go. What is wrong with me? I know the easy and unselfish thing to do is just to call it all done. As a matter of fact, I've gone around in circles over this with my Hubby and I totally thought I was done and had a decision I was at peace with.
Well, as of right now, I know what I need to do. My girls are my priority and I will never have this time with them again. I love them so much and I want to look back on these years with no regrets. I know that I'm blessed and even through what seems like endless days of wiping runny noses, sweeping dirty floors and sleepless nights, I love my life and don't ever want to take one single day for granted.
14 comments:
Real life friends are hard. Especially when we sit at home with our kids and our computers. I will pray for you! I have really enjoyed my MOPS group. Do they have one in your area? At least you could get out of the house and meet some other moms in the same place in life that you are!
I feel so much like you too. I wish that real people were so easy to relate to as blog friends. I feel so much closer to blog friends than real life friends.
As for your friend, just remember that saying that some people come into your life for a season and that's okay. Maybe you were in each others lives for a reason at that particular point.
I can relate on your business too. I don't want to let mine go either, but it's really hard to do both. Something always ends up suffering because there's just not enough time in the day, it seems.
I hope you are feeling better about it all soon. I'm so glad that we're friends!! One day we WILL meet!! :D
Veronica: I think all ladies feel what you are feeling. Whether we stay home to raise our babies or are in the work force or both. I've worked since I was 17- 33 years. WOW I have those days too. I think it is just the dailyness of life. Whether your sweeping that same floor or I am typing that same letter hah - All the same feelings occur. Hang in there. I'll be praying you meet some nice Mom's to hang out with.
Blessings
I can completely understand how you feel about the SAHM deal and friends. I feel the EXACT same way and there are days I wanna scream I feel blocked in by these four walls and kids.
I hope you're able to breathe and get a bit of a rest to refresh :)
As far as the hats go-I think you'll find a decision that you are at peace about. Maybe you could do an etsy shop or something and only have what is already made in there..that way you only do what you have time to do when you want to do it.
Sending hugs your way!
Oh Ver...I'm thinking of you and praying for you, dear friend. Just keep on looking at those sweet little faces you've been blessed with and look to Him for your strength. I know it's hard to be a stay at home mom and I so wish you had friends close by. You know I'd be at your house tomorrow if I could. Call me tomorrow if you want to talk - I'd love to hear from you and I know how good it is to talk to someone who's going through the same stage of motherhood. Love you!
I totally understand how you feel about IRL friends. I wish I had more as well. I remember telling you about my fear of being rejected and that's what keeps me at a distance from my girly friends.
I wish we lived a tad bit closer so we could visit more often. Playdates would be so fun.
I'll be praying for you that you make the right decision about your hat business and about your friendship with your former co-worker. I'm sure she would love to hear from you!
I, too, wish I had more IRL friends. We really haven't made a lot of friends down here since we moved almost 5 yrs ago. We have a few but not a lot. Hopefully that will change once the kids go to school. Perhaps we could meet more parents that way and establish friendships.
I know it would be awkward, but you should give it a shot with your friend from work. Worst thing that could happen is it doesn't pan out to anything.
I know what you mean about wanting to spend more time with your girls. Perhaps just take things easy until they are older and then you could work on it more. When they're in school you'll have more time for your business.
It seems like some of my closest friends are blogworld friends, and it's hard knowing that I probably won't see them till life on this earth is over. Coming to know all these incredible people is amazing, but it is hard, because the closer I get in friendships, the more I'd like to be able to meet them and hang out with them.
I think you're making a great decision about your hat business--you enjoy those beautiful girls of yours!
Have a day full of blessings!
--Hannah @ Aspire
Veronica thanks for sharing your heart...that's what friends do with each other....they share their concerns...and their joys.
I remember feeling the same way when I had three little ones at home. I am glad that at least you have your blog friends. I am sure that does help. And always remember we ARE real live people who care about you! (:>)
I liked the comment about the MOPs group. (Mothers of preschoolers) at church. They provide babysitting while the ladies visit. I gave my testimony once at one of their meetings at our church. Maybe you need to find a group in your area if your church doesn't have one.
But...even if you just have your mom, sisters, extended family and your hubby and sweet little girls remember you always have the Lord to turn to.
I am going to pray that He will send you a special friend. (It may be the one you used to work with...but we will just leave that up to Him. (But it wouldn't hurt to look her up to tell her how you have grown in the Lord and that you feel badly for leaving her out of your life)
Very close friends don't come along everyday. I can count those on one hand. My very closest friends are my hubby and my three girls. Yup... you have three ready made friends...someday they will grow up and become your special friends.
Now that my sister is gone to heaven I realise what a special friend she was to me too and I wish I had her back.
Ok...well that is enough of "Momma Linda's" 2 cents worth! (smile)
I love you Veronica, and I will be praying about all of this.
Don't beat yourself up over lost friendships. It's a sad reality, but life happens & people grow apart. I know how you feel. I left my job full of tons of friends to go work in an office in the country all by myself. It gest lonely & I thank God for the internet!
And you are a great mom so dont ever forget that!
I wonder if things will change in the fall - doesn't Alyssa start school? Being involved in the classroom - even just every now and then and drop off / pick up - might introduce you to moms in your area who are feeling the same things you are feeling right now. I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, though. Anytime I've moved somewhere new and had to make new friends I've gone through a period of loneliness and anxiety about it.
As for the hat business - remember that Miss Alivia is only a little over 5 weeks old. If you were working outside of the home you would have at least 6 weeks to get adjusted to a new routine (and I know people get more). I wonder if instead of saying that you're going to close the business, you say that you are going to take an extended maternity leave? 3 months, 6 months - something like that. And then reevaluate then.
Anyway ... just my ramblings :)
You know that you can come out ANYTIME with the girls and hang out with the crazies. I know that you are not a fan of the kids playing in the street but you are certainly invited to come over. You have 2 ladies who are real life right across and next door to you. You just have to open your door. Just opening mine incase you didn't know it was open. We invite ourselves over and they do the same and that is how we've become friends with them and I know that you and I have talked about this and it's really saved me having another mom to communicate with who is standing next to me yelling at her kid. We love your little family! Summer will be here soon too and that will help!
i have been feeling the SAME way! i've been begging ben to move a little closer to a bigger town, opposed to living out in the country. i think it would be easier for me to have playdates, take austin to a park, be involved w/ our new church, etc. i feel the same way about "real life" friends!
i hope you are feeling better and your spirits are lifted! and hope the girls are doing better!
i totally understand what you mean about your hat business. i don't see how you have time to write a blog post with 3 kids, must less croche. =) that makes austin's hats even more special to us! =) i have been such a grouch about keeping them nice and clean. =)
I loved doing MOPS too when my kids were little. I looked forward to going every week. I would highly recommend it to all SAHM's. It's a great network of support and they usually start in the Fall.
Hugs,
Trisha
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